Bonded Souls:

 

The dead trees in the graveyard were bare. Their bony branches seemed to reach out for the snow clouds building in the gray sky. The grass lay hidden below a winter’s worth of snow and ice. Even the birds were quiet as if in mourning for the young life that had been lost. I stared at the flag draped coffin before me ready to be dropped into its waiting dark hole. My breath was visible in the air. A sign of life I would never see from Steven again. The thought of his lifeless body in that box, never to rise from below the earth that would be his new home made me sick. In that moment reality hit me. I would never see Steven again.

I wanted more than anything to be in that plot next to him. Life just didn't seem worth going through without him. There was nothing to wake up for, and nothing to look forward to. Everything was gone. There was nothing I could do to change it, but how was I supposed to except it?

I listened to the deep moan of the minister’s voice as it dragged on; but I couldn’t make out his words. It was like the annoying buzz of a fly in my ears. My mind was away from me as I stared helplessly at my hands; following each line in them from beginning to end with my eyes. I did everything I could to avoid thinking about the service around me. I didn’t want to face the final goodbye I knew was inevitable.

“Sarah, would you like to say a few words.” The minister turned his attention to me. His peaceful, chubby face urged me to say something. I stood silently, staring out over the crowd for a moment before my mind began to map out words.

“Steven was my best friend, and greatest love.” I started in voice barley above a whisper. I worked my voice up to higher volumes as I went on. “We planned to grow old together. He helped me discover love, and the many wonderful things that can come of it. It was as if we were born hand in hand. He showed me love on a deeper level.” I smiled a bit thinking of our last night together on the lakeshore. How magical it had been. Memories started to rush back like a tidal wave. They sent me into a whirlwind of emotion. His touch, smile, and laugh were all so clear again. For no apparent reason, I became angry. More angry than I’d ever been in my life; Heat rushed through my body settling in my earlobes, and face.

“You said you would be home before I knew it.” I screamed at the wooden box. “What about November, Steven? Did you forget about that? What about our plans? I don’t understand. Why did you leave me alone? I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what to do without you. Part of me is gone Damn it Steven I loved you so much, and now you’re gone.” I fell to my knees on the cold, hard earth. I was so overwhelmed I thought I was having a breakdown I gasped for air that seemed too thick to breathe in. I sat alone sobbing only allowing Mrs. Cooper to try to ease my pain. With her arms around my shoulders we cried together. She began to rock back and forth as if I were a baby in her arms. We didn’t notice the minister or the hundreds of people who sadly stared at us. It was just she and I there sharing our horrendous grief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“BONDED SOULS”

Stephanie Barmann

 

 

CHAPTER ONE

November 14, 2007

 

I was on my way to San Francisco‑‑home. It may not have been the city where my life began, but in my heart it has always remained my home. It was the wonderful place I left long ago with a promise to return, although I never did find the time. I kept saying maybe next year until I realized I didn’t have many years left. Memories of this place have helped ease the pain when I missed San Francisco, the place where I learned to live and dream once more.

I’ve longed to smell the ocean in the winter again. I missed the intoxicating aroma that had lingered in my mind. Just once more, I wanted to gaze at the glittering lights of the Golden Gate at sunset. I used to watch mesmerized as the day gave into night, making the bridge even more awe-inspiring.

I couldn’t believe it had been over thirty years As I sat there on my way to fulfill the promise of my return to San Francisco, I realized that I was no longer the lost girl I once was, but an older, wiser woman. I’ve learned from time passed. I’d come to realize that I‘d gained and lost pieces of myself along the way. There was not a second of my life I would have changed, even the bad ones. Without them, I would have missed some of the greatest moments I’d experienced in life. I wouldn’t have traded those moments for the world.

Often, I wondered if the decades had stolen away that free-spirited youth that once existed inside of me. I guess in a way, I knew it had. It wasn’t a loss I regretted. Everyone has to grow up, otherwise there wouldn’t be anyone to guide the free spirited youth of tomorrow. It was growing up that helped push the scars on my heart back into the dark abyss of my brain. Those scars were faint. Only when something sparked a memory did I feel their pain so clearly that I remembered what I had lost. But at those times I looked at what I had gained and the hurt didn’t seem so bad. I fought past it, lived on and found hope along the way.

Usually, I never flew because I have always been petrified of planes. On that day though, I was thankful for the solitude. There was no one staring at me sadly searching for the right words. There wasn’t anybody asking me if I took my medicine, as if I were a child. Funny how illness makes the people around you treat you differently. All of the sudden, you become this person incapable of caring for yourself. It was nice just to get away from everything that reminded me that I was sick. A ride in an aircraft was worth a break from the nurses with cold hands and doctors that ran useless tests. Besides, the mission I was on couldn’t be put off any longer.

My gaze drifted past the gray and white clouds that hung suspended in the deep blue sky and down to the earth below. The tiny houses and fields resembled a patchwork quilt. In a strange way, the beauty of the world below calmed me. From so high above one who didn’t know, couldn't tell that the land below crawled with evil, ill hearted people.

An overly perky flight attendant paced the aisles annoyingly, offering drinks and snacks. His forced smile told me he’d rather be anywhere other than serving me. I waved him on, wanting nothing more than a pillow for my weary head. A baby crying a few rows away made it hard to concentrate on anything but his relentless wails. People around me chattered endlessly about the problems in their lives. I ignored them all, doing my best to block out all the noises. As I drifted off to sleep, my mind retraced the steps of my long past youth. My slumber took me back to the summer of nineteen sixty-five. I was seventeen and hopelessly in love. Blind to the blows life has an unexpected way of throwing at us when we least expect it.

 

June 3, 1965

 

There I was standing in my parents shrub lined driveway wearing the prettiest sundress I could find. My hair pulled back into a curly blond ponytail that swayed as I shifted my weight between my feet. I impatiently waited for my high school sweetheart, Steven, to return. Six weeks before, he’d left for boot camp. It seemed as if it had been years since I’d last looked into his clear blue eyes, the same eyes that I could see myself looking into forever. It seemed like an eternity since I last ran my hand down the smooth skin of his face and breathed in his intoxicating aroma. I had known him my whole life. We had been inseparable since we were children. We played together, learned together, and grew together. When I was in trouble, chances were, Steven was guilty of the same crime. We were so close it surprised no one when at fifteen we discovered our feelings for one another. One day our lips met and we never turned back. We knew deep down that we would be together forever, and we were looking forward to every moment of it. Everything about him complimented everything about me. It was as if we were connected on a much higher level than we could have ever understood at the time. In all reality, at seventeen and eighteen, we were just kids feeling a very adult love.

We were raised on the shores of Lake Erie, in Sommerset, New York. A picturesque town outlined by proud old oak trees. Each one looked as if it were planted purposely to frame the large, well-kept houses. Neatly trimmed bushes or small picket fences surrounded each home. It was enough to keep out unwanted dogs and cats, yet low enough for neighbors to discuss politics or whatever the chat of the day might be. It was a nice place where people looked out for each other. If a bad snowstorm hit, neighbors made sure everyone was shoveled out and had enough supplies to get them through until the streets were passable again. In the summer, these same people gathered in their neighbor’s yards to enjoy the company of each other. The streets were always filled with children laughing and playing tag. It was the kind of place that people dream of living in‑‑a caring neighborhood. It was a dying breed even then.

For more than two hours, I stood there in the bright sunshine listening to the sound of a distant lawn mower humming a few blocks away. I wanted to be there, just in case Steven arrived home early. Mine needed to be the first face he saw when he stepped out of the car. I couldn’t wait to smell traces of his cologne as it followed behind him. I longed to see his beautiful face. It reminded me of heaven. Every night since he left, I pictured each feature of his face, down to the tiny chicken pox scar on his cheek. He had a nasty case of them when he was six. Of course, he had spread them to me. It wasn’t too bad though, we got to spend a week eating ice cream and playing together without going to school.

After what seemed like an endless amount of time, his father’s silver Chevy turned onto our street. The sun glared off the windshield making it impossible for me to catch a glimpse of my guy, but I knew he was smiling at me from the passenger seat. It seemed, the more excited I got, the slower the car moved, as if teasing me with time. Every second away from Steven lasted an eternity in my lonely heart. We had never been separated for more than a few days, and I came to find out life without him was rather dull. I didn’t have anyone to dream away days with. I had a lot of friends, but no one could stand in his place. No one could ease the loneliness I felt without him by my side.

The car had barely pulled to a stop when he emerged and his eyes locked on mine. Nearly tripping over a shrub, I made my way to Steven’s side as quickly as I could. I wrapped myself around the strong frame that always made me feel so safe and protected. I had to stand on my tiptoes to be able to kiss the soft lips I’d missed so much. There was a recognizable sense of ease in Steven’s arms, a feeling I knew well. It was his arms I ran to when life got tough. When I needed him most, he was always there, ready to allow me to get lost in his gentle embrace. At that moment, I felt more complete than I had since he’d left.

I had missed his soft, smooth skin, the crooked smile that gave him a dimple only on his left cheek, and had always made him so attractive. He stood a little taller now, prouder even. He was fulfilling not only his patriotic duty, but also a family tradition. His father and grandfather had both been military men, each served in time of war. Steven’s brother Adam would also be joining after his high school graduation the next summer. Joining the military was something Steven always knew would be part of his future. Even as a child he talked of becoming a soldier with pride. He was willing to fight for his country and the values our flag stands for.

I knew that soon it would be as if Steven had never left, we would spend almost every moment together, hand in hand. There was no time to waste when soon, he’d be sent to Fort Drum, where he was being stationed. I hated that he had to go so far away again, but I was glad that our separation would only be temporary. Besides, I liked the way it felt when we were reunited with each other. It allowed me to see how much I missed him when he was away. It also assured me that this was the person I couldn’t live without.

* * * *

In the weeks that followed, Steven and I spent all of our time enjoying picnics in the fields of red and purple wildflowers. Lying on our backs, we’d dream together watching the fluffy clouds roll by. Gentle breezes filled the air with the aroma of the colorful summer blossoms that I couldn't get enough of. Steven whispered honest promises of forever that made me feel as if I were his whole world. Mostly, we spent lazy days splashing in the cool lake water, like we had as children. He’d dive under only to come up behind me grabbing my ankles and scaring me half to death. It always caught me off guard even though I expected it. I, in return splashed water in his face before our lips locked in a sweet kiss I wished would last forever.

By the end of July, the air was so humid it was hard to breathe. It had been that way since Steven came home and it showed no signs of letting up. It was one of those days that make a person tired and lazy. My body felt like as if it was radiating pure heat from every pore. Even the beads of sweat offered no relief. They were as hot as the air around me. At the lake, we swam around looking for the coolest spot. The welcoming ripples of water were packed with bobbing boats and swimmers looking for an escape from the oppressive temperatures. That’s how the weather was in our town. In winter it was too cold, and at times, in the summer, it was too hot. The rest of the year was a cross between the two. There could be a sixty degree day in January and snow in June. People from Western New York are a hearty bunch, and we learn to deal with the mercury’s every change any way we can.

I was too busy enjoying life in the moment to realize the importance of what was going on overseas. I knew there was a chance Steven could be sent to Vietnam. I wasn’t completely sheltered from world events. I read the paper and heard my parents talk. It just never clicked that the war could affect me directly, take away something that I love. I was the good girl that bad things didn’t happen to. At least that’s what I always liked to believe. All too soon, I was forced to look into the face of reality.

Steven and I spent as much time as we could together, but recently, I’d noticed that he had changed. His normally relaxed features seemed to bear a permanent mark of stress and his smile had all but faded away. He now had a distinctively sad, distant look. I was confused and worried though his attitude toward me never changed. He was just as sweet and kind as always, he just seemed a little far away. Like something was chewing away at him relentlessly and he couldn’t get it to stop.

“What’s been going on with you?” I finally worked up the courage to ask I had never seen him so depressed before and assumed that maybe he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

“Nothing. Sarah, I’m fine really.” He couldn’t fool me with his fake everything’s okay smile. I wasn’t dropping it until I had some answers.

“You can’t hide things from me, I know you better than that Steven. Why are you lying to me? ” I shot an accusing look at him, waiting for his response.

“I just have a lot on my mind.” His face screamed he was holding something back.

“Are you mad at me or something? I just want to know why you have been acting so strange. If you don‘t want to be with me anymore just say so. Don‘t pretend every thing is okay.”

“Look, Sarah, I’ve been trying to tell you something for a few days now.” Steven wrapped his strong arms around me and spoke softly. His face became deadly serious, as he gazed into my eyes.

“I was waiting for the right time, but I guess there is no right time. I don’t know what I was waiting for really. So here goes . . .  I’m leaving.” I felt my heart drop into my stomach as he spoke.

“Where?” I squeaked. I focused on his remarkable face as all the noise and scenery around me faded into the background.

“Vietnam.” His answer was blunt and to the point.

“When?” I didn’t know what else to say, I asked shocked.

“I leave a week from tomorrow and I’ll be home in about a year, I guess. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I just didn’t want to say goodbye and ruin all the fun we‘ve been having.” He turned his face from mine.

So many emotions rushed through me. Fear, anger, and sadness all came at once as I tried to understand what he said. I wanted him to stay there under the dock forever with me, safe in a place where no one could harm him No guns, bombs, or death. Safe in the place we loved to be, not oceans away in a bloody battlefield.

“But you just got home.” I wanted to scream at him. Don’t go, stay, the words screamed in my mind, but I knew that wasn’t an option, not for Steven. His values were strong and deep set, just like him, unbreakable.

“It will be okay, sunshine.” He whispered into my ear. I wanted more than anything to believe him. To know that he would come back alive when so many others didn’t. The sound of geese overhead broke the momentary silence between us, our young hearts tried to find the right words.

“Are you afraid?” I asked trying to justify my own building fears.

“Not a lot, not yet anyway, I don’t know what’s going to happen once I get there. I’m more afraid of losing you while I’m gone. I want to come back looking forward to my future with you and all the great things we have to come for us. I don’t want to miss out on any of that because of this stupid war.” I knew he was being genuine. After all these years together it was easy for me to read his face and see honesty in his eyes.

“I would wait forever for you Steven. I could never love anyone like I love you, you’re my whole world.” I forced a smile to hold back the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks each time I blinked.

“Maybe we should get married then?” He swam away after his quick proposal.

“What?” I asked puzzled, yet excited. I always knew the day would come that he’d ask. I just always pictured it in a more traditional fashion. I thought he’d get down on his knee with flowers, or at least a ring. In all honesty, I was willing to accept it any way it came.

I followed Steven as he climbed out of the water onto the grassy shore. He sat below the tall oak he’d carved our initials into after the spring dance the year before. We had come out to the lake afterward not wanting the night to end. We danced beneath the stars to music only we could hear. It was one of the most memorable nights of my life.

As we sat under the hot sun, cool beads of water that remained on my shoulders and face dried. My long hair stuck to my back, keeping it oddly cooler than the rest of me. I pulled at my small red swimsuit self-consciously trying to cover as much exposed skin as the material would allow. I never was pleased with my body, though everyone said they wished they had curves like mine. Every time I looked into the mirror, I saw a skinny girl with the figure of a fifteen-year-old boy.

“You want to marry me Steven Cooper?” I asked sitting beside him on the hard dry ground. He flashed me a goofy smile and tackled me to the dusty earth so his face was hovering just above mine. I could feel his warm breath on my lips and the droplets of water from his hair fell onto my face.

“I’ve always wanted to marry you, but we should wait until I get back, that way we’re just a little bit older.”

“You really want to marry me?” I wanted to be sure of his proposal before I set my heart on it.

“Sarah, there isn’t anyone who could ever make me as happy as you will. I couldn’t imagine a second of my life without you in it. You were all I thought about while I was away.” He stopped talking and lowered his head to brush my lips with his own. He whispered against my lips, “Even at night at home, I wish you were there beside me. Being next door is just too far. I love everything about you, your bright green eyes and your golden hair.” I sat intently watching the way his fingers twisted a strand of my hair around his fingers. I didn’t even wiggle a centimeter to remove the rock that was digging into my bare back, as if the slightest movement would ruin the perfect scene around us.

* * * *

I sat up late into the night, trying to sort out the overload of information my brain had received that day. It was a lot to take in and I wasn’t sure how to react to it all. I pictured Steven and I ten years down the road with a house full of children playing and giggling while they wait for him to get home from work. I would cook dinner and greet him at the door with a kiss when he came home. I knew all we had to come was happiness in the company of each other, still as much in love as we always were. Then I thought of him leaving, he would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas. Fourth of July would come and I would be standing alone watching all the other couples dancing at the town’s party. I would cry lonely tears as others clung to each other under the firework lit sky, reminiscing on the past years they had together. I’d be there, alone in the corner remembering the way Steven’s body felt like a perfect fit against mine when we danced. My thoughts brought upon a twinge of loneliness‑‑a taste of what I had to come.

I dreaded the each passing minute that brought me closer to his departure. I wasn’t ready to let go. We tried to pack so much into seven days. Kisses and sweet words we would miss out on for over a year. The hot days seemed to pass slowly while we were together, yet when the sun disappeared, I wondered where all the time had gone. All too fast, the week was over, like a leaf riding on the breeze, you try so hard to catch it only to find it further away. We spent our last day together basking in the sun on the shore of the lake. We kissed and embraced each other, trying hard to express a love much more mature than our age.

            We were what we had waited our whole lives to become, adults. And now he was leaving. Growing up I always thought we would be getting married at eighteen. I just knew we wouldn’t be able to wait to become husband and wife. I would wear a long flowing gown, surrounded by red and yellow roses. I wouldn’t be able to hold back the joyful tears when I looked at Steven, who would be so handsome waiting for me to reach him at the altar. Our families would wipe tears from their eyes as they watched what they always knew would happen. My dreams would have to be put on hold for a while. In a way, I figured the wait would only make them that much more special when they did come true.

As the sun went down, we stood on my porch and kissed goodnight knowing that at nine the next morning goodbye was inevitable. I watched as Steven stood alone under the burnt out porch light for a while after I went in. I knew we both searched for the same words, yet neither of us could find them. What words could possibly express the solitude I would feel while he was away? Or the love inside of me that was so strong it was almost unexplainable. I gazed out the window at his lost look wishing I knew what to say. I couldn’t ease my own sorrow, but I would have given anything to take away his. He shoved his hands into his pockets, the way he had the first time he asked me to a dance, as if there were a chance I would say no. I could see him whisper, I love you Sarah, before he turned and walked toward his house. I returned the sentiment in my own whisper, before pulling the curtains closed for the night.

I went to bed hoping for a miracle to end the war that night Then Steven wouldn’t have to go, he could stay and we would go on with our lives together. I knew that it was unlikely, but at that point, hope was all I had. I was still determined not to let go of that. The humidity outside refused to go away, yet my open window allowed for the smell of late summer to fill my stuffy room. The bed was so sticky it was impossible to go to sleep. I tossed and turned, flipping my pillow over several times only to find my head made it hotter. It was hopeless so I laid there doing what I always did when I couldn’t sleep, I thought. I thought of the things going on in my life. All that had happened over the past few weeks. As children we couldn’t wait to grow up, now that we were nearly there, I wished we were kids again. If we were, this war wouldn’t be an issue to us. We would still be in our own world. The place where we played war, but nobody died. What is war really, but a game of king of the hill. Somebody always has to push down the weaker to come out on top. Vietnam was no game though, it was all too real and people would die. Everything in my life had been rearranged because of that god-forsaken place and there was nothing I could do about it. I had no power over world events.

As the night drew into its darkest hour, I heard Steven’s voice calling me from outside my open window. I dashed across the squeaky floor hoping I hadn’t imagined it. There he was, standing below the elm tree my father had planted when my brother was born. The full moon looked gigantic in the starless sky. The light of it wrapped Steven in its golden halo. He looked just like a little boy, the same little boy who used to call me out in the night to find frogs or watch for shooting stars. It was hard for me to picture him as a man with a gun taking lives in the jungle. He was better suited to saving lives, that’s why after this war was over he planned to become a veterinarian. He had a soft spot for animals and often brought home strays. He’d have a zoo if he could, his mother always said. 

“Come on out.” Steven looked up at me, motioning with his hands for me to hurry.

“What time is it?” I asked in a loud whisper. It didn’t matter really what time it was, I just wanted to know how much longer we had with each other. 

“One-thirtyish. I couldn’t sleep. Do you want to go for a walk?” I had no doubt he knew my answer before he’d asked. Neither of us had been ready to say good night. I couldn’t help but notice how still the trees were above him in the windless night. That was almost always a sure sign of an impending storm. The chance of a little rain wasn’t enough to keep me from experiencing these last few precious moments together. A hurricane couldn’t have kept me from that.

As quietly as I could, I crept down the darkened stairs so as not to wake my family. My long nightgown hit my ankles as I went, almost tripping me twice. I watched where I put my feet to avoid the step that let out a loud groan each time it was stepped down on. My father had said for years he’d get around to fixing it, but never had. He was a successful doctor and home improvement wasn’t on the top of his list of priorities. That was evident by his soft smooth hands that had never seen a day of hard labor. Running through the pitch-black kitchen, I smacked my hip on the edge of the table, causing a piercing pain that shot through it each time I moved my leg. I fought back the yelp that built inside me and continued out the back door. I almost jumped out of my skin when the screen door slammed behind me, so much for a silent exit.

Steven stood in the same spot waiting for me with a goofy smile plastered on his face. There was a longing in his eyes, something different that I’d never seen before. I thought I’d seen every emotion inside of them at one point or another but standing there gazing at him, I knew I hadn’t. For a second, I could see into his soul‑‑see all his love, fear and pain. It’s funny how some moments are like that. They stand out while others fizzle away into nothingness, as if they had never happened at all. Yet without those insignificant moments, the great ones would never come to be.

The moon lit our path as we walked along the edge of the water. Far beyond the boundaries of our yards, into the surrounding neighbors properties and back home again. We didn’t have to speak. Being together was enough to replace the unsaid words and unshed tears. We were at our favorite place, the glistening lake. It had been our refuge since we were tiny children learning to swim. We’d spent so much time in its water we knew where every sharp rock laid on the bottom. We knew where the fish liked to swim and where the water was the coolest or warmest. If it was in that water, Steven and I had discovered it at one point or another. This was after all, our place.

Under the bushy green-leaved trees, we sat hidden. Their shadows were enough to shield us from the world’s eyes. Steven twirled his fingers in my golden curls. I knew he loved my hair, but I hated it. I had always wished for straight silky hair like my mothers., The night hid his face behind a mask of darkness and I couldn’t quite make out his features. His perfect nose, the small scar on his cheek from when we had the chicken pox they were all impossible to see. Yet I could feel his eyes staring into mine.

“I love you, Sarah, more than anything in the world.”

“I love you too.” I hated the sad, distant sound in his voice. I did all I could to sound upbeat when every other part of me wanted to break down. It was killing me that he had to leave. It had been the two of us for so long, I couldn’t imagine being just one.

His usual soft, gentle kiss changed. This one was seductive and begged for more. It lit my soul on fire, like a sparkler on the Fourth of July, igniting things in me I’d never felt before. I knew what was about to happen. I wasn’t scared as his hands explored places they never had before. His fingers wandered from the top of my shoulders down to my sensitive inner thighs. I drew in a breath as he neared the place that defined me as a woman. I allowed him access to the places I’d kept reserved for the right person. I knew Steven was that person, everything inside me told me of that. I was thankful my eyes had adjusted to the darkness as I watched him slowly take off his shirt revealing the broad chest that seemed so out of place on such a young man. I followed his lead, removing the childish nightgown and tossing it aside. Steven’s gaze took in the length of my body and the glint in his eye made me feel as if he thought it were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He kissed my neck, working slowly downward to my breast. He teased my nipples gently with his tongue and teeth. Then, his lips moved down to my belly button. I followed his lead, kissing his hard chest and ears. My body begged for more as his fingers explored my most sensitive areas. He smiled as if he enjoyed teasing me a little bit. Tingles shot up and down my spine when his bare skin pressed hard against mine and he entered me. I felt each gentle movement that drew him deeper and deeper inside me. I never realized that such a natural act could be so earth shatteringly explosive. I wiggled a bit, not knowing how to react to the overwhelming pressure building up within me. In one moment of ecstasy, I felt a shattering release. I could see in his eyes he’d felt the same emotion as I and had enjoyed it just as much.

I felt safe there beside him afterward, knowing he would never hurt me, and tomorrow, he would still know my name. We had given each other our innocence there under the trees. It happened so naturally, as if it had always been in the stars for us. I didn’t feel bad after it was all said and done. In fact, I was left with a spiritual feeling that assured me it was meant to be.

I stared up into the cloudy sky, not knowing how to respond to what had just happened between us. It wasn’t like I could say, good job Steven, way to go. I was content to stay quiet, still in his arms.

A misty rain began to fall showering me in its cool spray. The mist turned into a gentle rhythmic rainfall forming tiny ripples on the black water. Falling drops washed away what felt like weeks worth of sweat from my sticky skin. I snapped a mental picture in my head, never wanting to forget a single detail. I wanted to remember the lights of the houses across the lake. The way the water blended into the sky, making it impossible to tell which was which. The way the misty drops stuck to Steven's face and ran between us when we kissed. I wanted to remember everything that I could carry in my memory with me until he came home. Without warning, the sky opened up and the rain began to fall hard, pounding into the dry earth turning the dirt into mud that splashed onto my legs. It had turned the bottom of my frilly white nightgown an earthy tan. It felt so good after such a long hot spell. I knew the dry dying grass loved it too. I looked up into the lightning-lit sky, allowing the rain to pour down my face. I was spinning in the raindrops like a child until Steven pulled me back under the umbrella of trees. We stood motionless, pressed tightly together watching the storm roll in. The blue glow of the lightning gave us momentary glimpses of the dark world around us.

“I was thinking, Sarah, maybe we should just say goodbye tonight. That way we don’t have to ruin the moment we have right now. I don’t want to have to start all over with the goodbyes in the morning.” Steven pulled me tighter against him. I could smell his cologne although I wasn’t sure if the scent was on him or me.

“I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye at all.” I had to bite my lip painfully hard to fight off the tears that threatened to fall each time I blinked.

“Me too.” We let it drop with that. It was our way of saying goodbye and we were both satisfied with it the way it was. Signs of daylight began to appear through the thick storm clouds. We stood there hoping sunrise would hold off, giving us just a few more precious seconds together, even though we knew it wouldn't. No matter how we needed or wanted it, time slows for no man.

We ran hand in hand through the still pounding rain to my back porch. The magical feeling from what had just happened between us still rushing through my body. I felt my soul bond with his as we made love, causing me to feel a much deeper emotion for him than I even knew possible. I positioned myself on a step to bring myself face to face with him, Steven stood a good five inches taller than my five four frame. A strong gust of wind that came with a clap of thunder nearly knocked me off my perch. The storm was picking back up. Small branches began to crack and fall around us. The leaves of the trees broke free, slapping against anything in their path. Neither of us made any attempt to shelter ourselves from the worsening storm.

“You’ve always been my best friend, Sarah. You know that right?” I nodded my reply as he continued. “I love you so much. I don’t want to leave, but you and I both know I have to. I’ll think about you all the time.” It was hard to distinguish whether it was tears or raindrops that ran down his cheeks, as he caressed my face

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” I cried softly into his neck.

“Then don’t. Let’s just say I’ll see you before you know it. Okay?”

“Okay.” It was all I managed to squeak out before Steven’s lips were on mine. I melted into what I knew was a kiss he wanted me to remember. My heart knew it was his way of saying the words he couldn’t get out. My soaked hair stuck to his face and gently, he pushed it away. With a loving smile, he turned and walked home. My heart tore apart a little more with each of his steps. The rain poured down on me soaking into my clothes as I watched him get to his back door. A streak of lightning that followed a growling clap of thunder gave me a blurred glimpse of Steven looking back toward me, smiling, and then he was gone. Tears ran down faster than I could catch them all, so I didn't bother to try.

I slipped out of my wet, dirty nightgown and into some warm, dry clothes. Settling into my fathers towering high back chair, I stared out the side window at the big Victorian house that Steven and his family lived in. I had always felt so small in my dad’s chair. Sitting in it right then, my feet barely touched the floor. I could still curl up in it as I had when I was little. The clock across the room said it was already seven-thirty. Steven would be leaving soon It was unavoidable. The raindrops pelted the window I’d been watching out. The storm picked up and settled back down in an almost rhythmic pattern. I watched through the falling drops as Steven’s car left just before nine, taking him to place oceans away from me. Steven smiled and waved as they drove slowly by my house. He must have known I’d be sitting there watching him leave. Like I used to watch for him to come when we were going some place special. At those times, I waited in anxious excitement for whatever surprise Steven had in store. Now I didn’t know whether to be sad or afraid. I cried myself to sleep in my father’s chair, hugging my arms around my knees for comfort.

I became hooked on the news, watching for Steven’s face in all of the horrific footage from Vietnam I saw. I prayed I wouldn’t see him injured and bloody. I scanned newspapers and magazines hoping to catch sight of anything to assure me of his safety. My days became a never-ending cycle. I worked in my father’s office during the day, and after work, I would check for letters from Steven before I sat down to write one. I’d decided not to go to college. I didn’t need to. All I ever wanted to be was Mrs. Steven Cooper, wife and mother. No college could teach me what my heart already had.

I would receive a letter from him at least once a week. Some poetic words he spun together with care, feelings from his heart escaping through his pen. His letters got me through the loneliest days, when I felt the most alone in the world and needed him the worst. They were the gentle touch that took away my pain. They were the understanding hugs when the unfairness of life assaulted me. His letters brought me the closest I could get to him, at least that was something.

 

Sept. 7, 1965

 

Sarah,

Happy birthday sweetheart. Now that you’re eighteen, you’re finally a woman. Although to me, you’ve been a woman for a while now. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait to get home and finally give you a ring. I’ll never be able to afford a ring equal to your beauty‑‑a perfect diamond is just too rare. Just like you, rare and beautiful. I was lucky to be the miner that found you.

 I made some friends now from all over the States. We play cards and talk a lot about home. You know food, our girls. Don’t worry nothing bad I swear. It helps to take our minds off everything around us. I hope you are thinking about me as much as I think about you. Day and night, you are on my mind, right where you belong.

Adam told me you sit home alone a lot. I told him to take you to a movie or something. Even I have some fun over here once in a while, you should too. It’s weird not having you right here with me. Sometimes I think I’m going to open my eyes only to find out this has been one long dream and you’ll be there beside me to make it all better. At least I have a lifetime of your healing to look forward to. God knows I’m going to need it.

I love you. Until I dream of you tonight, goodbye.

Love,

Steven

 

I’d dance on air for days after reading his sweet words. I wondered why he had never said things like that to me before, when he was still here at home. I guess for some people, it’s just easier to express sentimental thoughts on paper. I could see his face so clearly as I read his letters. I saw his bright, welcoming grin and the cute dimple on his cheek. I could hear the deep purring of his voice, reading the words to me in my head. His letters brought him back to me if only in my imagination.

I started to go out more. I was often the third wheel to my friends and their boyfriends. Adam was always willing to stand in his brother’s place taking me to the autumn fair and movies now and then. We ended up becoming good friends. Adam was my source of support while his brother was away. The two of them were so much alike it was easy to be friends with him. When I needed to vent, he listened as I whined, and he talked with me about Steven when I was missing him the most. Adam missed him just as much as me, if not a more. They had always been very close, being only a year apart in age. No one else seemed to understand what I was going through‑‑but Adam. When Steven left, he took a piece of Adam with him, just as he had taken some of me.

All of Steven’s letters weren’t so sweet. Some scared me. They made me wish I was there to shelter him from the atrocities he must be witnessing. I wanted more than anything to block all the bad from his vision. That would mean ending the war, which at this point was looking more and more hopeless. It seemed like the more soldiers that were killed, the more any hopes of peace were pushed further out of reach.

November 5, 1965

Dear Sarah,

 

How I wish I was back home with you. I can see the lake now, the treetops with their orange, red and yellow. I never realized how pretty it was until I came here. There isn’t anything pretty here. It’s hell, just pure hell. Even the good days are unimaginably awful. It's really scary especially when it's quiet. It’s like the calm before the storm, you know what I mean?

I lost a good buddy yesterday. This guy Lou from Ohio, he was so excited about going home next week. He was going to see his baby boy for the first time. The kid was already seven months old and he’d never seen him except in pictures. It just seems so pointless sometimes, but that’s the way it is. It’s probably best not to get excited about anything. It’s like when you have hope, you let you’re guard down. One minute you’re thrilled about going home and then, wham it’s all over. I wish sometimes I could erase all the horrible sights from my memory. I’ve only been here a few months and already I’ve seen more than any man ever should have to and I still haven’t seen half of what's to come. I can’t wait to get away from all this death and get back to the lake and you. I’m sorry for dumping all this on you. You’re my only bright spot here. Every night I look forward to dreaming of us and our future together. Sometimes I can hear your voice so crisp and clear, saying “I love you.” I love you so much it amazes me.

Maybe after we get married we can go see your brother in San Francisco. John would love for us to visit. We can see the Golden Gate at sunset, I hear it‘s quite the sight. I love you and I’ll see you soon.

Love,

Steven

 

I wondered if he cried while he wrote letters like that. Was he scared when he dreamed of the days to come? Maybe it was just easier to look forward to good things to come rather than the bad things happening in the present. I lay in bed, clinging to the letter that I held against my chest. I scanned my bedroom and all the childish things I’d kept around, teddy bears, dolls and pictures of cartoon cats and dogs with big sad brown eyes. I knew I had outgrown these things years ago, yet they brought me comfort. Like Steven’s letters, each one no matter how bad or good, assuring me his heart still beat.

Autumn turned into a bitter cold winter, the air so frigid at times, it could steal your breath away. Christmas lights brightened the dark nights that came sooner now. A fresh coat of bright, white snow reflected the twinkling, colored lights off its silver glittering surface. Walking down the street was like strolling into a Christmas card, only the horse drawn carriage was missing. The scenery was absolutely perfect for this time of year, but not so much for the way I felt. Everyone around me chattered about what they got others as gift, or what they hoped to receive themselves. I already knew I wasn’t getting what I wanted for Christmas. Steven was thousands of miles away and not even Santa Claus could bring him back in time for Christmas morning. Hell, I’d be grateful if he could get back by Easter.

Carefully I chose gifts for him anyway, our gift exchange was an old tradition he and I started years before. We’d buy one gift from a store and make one with our hands, one for Christmas Eve and one for Christmas morning. Steven always made me the nicest gifts, like a beaded necklace of red and violet. Once he even gave me a beautiful rose he’d carved out of wood and painted pink. I wasn’t very crafty and often messed up my projects. He always laughed and promised to save my disasters forever anyway. This year I’d bought him a book on strange desert animals that I knew he‘d enjoy. I attempted to knit a green and blue sweater one night while I was missing him terribly. One arm was a bit longer than the other was but I was sure no one would notice. However, I couldn’t hide the drooping neckline in the back it sagged down a couple inches. I knew Steven would proudly wear it, if only to make me feel good. Carefully, I wrapped each in golden paper, topped them with a big red bow and tucked them under the tree. I knew Christmas would come and go, leaving them unopened but I figured he’d like to get them when he got back. At least by then it would be cold enough to wear the sweater again.          

Worry set in when I didn’t get a letter Christmas week. I had never gone more than seven days without hearing from him. It had been almost two weeks and his family hadn’t heard from, or about him either. My father assured me Steven’s letter was just held up with the bulk of holiday mail. I prayed he was right. No matter what I did, I couldn’t forget about the absent letter. It ate at me day and night, making me think the worst. I wondered what I would do if he were gone. Then I’d feel so angry for thinking that way. Christmas day was agonizing. Each time I looked at Steven’s gifts I wondered if they would ever be opened, or were they destined to remain in golden wrap, tucked up in the attic. I went through our annual holiday rituals without complaint, forcing a smile for the sake of my family. An enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders when I finally got his letter the day after Christmas. I felt so silly for always thinking so negatively.

December 18, 1965

 

Merry Christmas Sarah,

 

It hasn’t been so bad here lately. I haven’t lost a buddy, in a while anyway. Sometimes it can actually be quiet. When it’s quiet, it’s easy to think and dream. I wonder what you are doing while I’m thinking of you. Are you at work with your Dad? Maybe you’re swimming in the lake or maybe brushing your beautiful hair. I can't wait, less than nine months and you’ll be in my arms again.

We should get married in November, I should definitely be home by then. Wait, I have a better idea.  We can get married as soon as I get off the plane. I don’t want to waste another second of our lives together. Too much of it has been lost already and as I’ve come to find out, life is too precious to waste. I dream of touching you and feeling your skin beneath mine. I can see it all in my dreams. It’s going to be great. Our curly-haired children will be running around the yard with a little black lab puppy. We’ll teach them to swim in the lake like our parents did with us. This time next year, you will be my wife. I will make all of your dreams come true. Because by becoming my wife, you would have already fulfilled all of mine.

Speaking of dreams, I had a strange one yesterday. We were in San Francisco at the Golden Gate, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get near you. It was as if the closer I came, the further you went. I screamed your name trying to catch up, but you couldn’t hear. Then you finally came to me. You just turned and walked into my open arms. Pretty weird, huh? Tell everyone I said Merry Christmas, okay?

Steven,

 

PS I almost forgot to say I love you. See you in my very best dreams.

 

I ran my fingers down the wrinkled paper as if I could feel him through it. The snow outside my living room window fell in big flakes. Gently they glided down to the ground, as if not to hurt themselves. The fresh white blanket covered the recently shoveled driveways and sidewalks. Soon, the streets would fill with people ready for winter to end, cursing out Mother Nature for forcing them into hard labor for the second time that day. Everyone hopes for a white Christmas, but after that, the white stuff's just a hassle. My heart began to pound hard and fast, threatening to burst out of my chest, like I had been frightened by something unseen. My stomach twisted this way and that. I figured it was all that leftover pie I had eaten earlier in the day. My mother warned me not to eat so much I hated that she was always right. I tried to stand, but my legs were like rubber below me. I fell back down onto the chair, my head spinning so fast I thought I was going to black out. The ringing in my ears drowned out the sound of my father’s baseball game on the radio. I had to sit there for what seemed like a half-hour taking deep breaths before I could stand again. I couldn’t shake the sick feeling for hours, it just lingered on annoyingly and forced me into bed at an earlier hour than usual.